Help Me Help You Help Us All


All right, chums, let’s do this….

What’s up, everyone? I’m Jekyll. Or at least that’s my pretentious handle, because you evidently need one of those. I’m not regretting this name decision at all. Cool-sounding. Symbolic. I personally think it suits me well: a mad scientist sort who willingly embraces the concept of a complete monster before growing to regret it. Okay, so maybe it’s not a perfect symbolism, but it sounds cool. That’s enough in my book. Either way, let’s just hope our stories don’t end the same way. Because as we all know (and I’m about to be a complete douche to anyone who is ignorant enough to know nothing about literature), the monster consumes Jekyll in the end.

Whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing, though, I’m not talking about my own personal Mr. Hyde. No, I’m talking about a monster without, not a monster within. I’m talking about the Slender Man.

Yeah, you heard me. Oh, no! He said the forbidden name! Whatever shall we do? Let us all convince him to come up with his own clever moniker. Come on, guys, he’s not fucking Voldemort. What, is his name so scary now that we can’t bring ourselves to say it? And what’s up with the nicknames? Is it because of the Tulpa Effect? Believe me, if the Tulpa Effect is real, that’s hurting more than it’s helping. Let’s all call him Jack Skellington or Slim Jim instead. Now nobody’s going to be able to watch The Nightmare Before Christmas or eat a stick of jerky without thinking of him. Good job, guys. Real great going. </sarcasm>. And what’s with the Slendershit/Slenderdouche/Slenderprick/etc.? I swear, I will strangle the next person who uses that. Do you think you’re trying to be clever? Because you’re not doing too good of a job. Do you maybe think you’re a big boy, calling it names behind its back? Do you think that if you call him that, it’ll somehow make him weaker? Newsflash: it won’t. And it’s just fucking annoying.

Besides, it’s just more polite to use his real name. Or the closest thing to a real name we know. Even Eldritch Abominations have feelings, you know.

Okay, so you’ve got your nicknames for him. Maybe it’s because you’re afraid to use his name, in which case, see above. Maybe it’s because you feel like you’re “sticking it to the (Slender) Man” by giving him demeaning nicknames, in which case, see above. But maybe it’s because you’re “protecting the blind” so that someone who just happens to stumble across your blog doesn’t find out who it is and get involved. But that’s a flimsy excuse. If someone finds your blog, chances are that they already know about the Slender Man. They’re beyond saving. If he’s after them, he’ll make his move, and if he’s not, they’re lucky.

Oh, and for you poor saps who don’t know about the Slender Man but have somehow stumbled into this interconnected clusterfuck of insanity, well, sorry. But it’s too late to turn back now. Keep reading. This blog will probably save your life. For starters: he’s tall, slender (surprise!—though, surprisingly, not necessarily an actual man), dressed in a business suit, faceless (or maybe everyone just sees his face differently (or maybe he’s faceless to almost everyone now because that’s how we expect to see his face)), obsessed with killing (or maybe just abducting (or even just stalking)) children (0r maybe college-age students (or maybe both)), placing organs in plastic bags (or…not?), repelled (or attracted?) by a symbol that looks like a circle with an X through it, chaotic (or maybe neutral (or maybe even lawful) evil (or neutral (or even good?))…okay, fuck it. I have no idea what exactly the fuck the Slender Man even really is. Tall. Skinny. Business suit. Faceless (probably). And he will drive you insane with his mere presence and (eventually, probably) kill you.

But it’s okay that I don’t know. No one else does either. I think it’s because he’s constantly changing. But there are some things that always seem to remain the same. Some things you can prevent. Some ways to increase your chances of survival. Hell, M (if you’re here, I assume you’re already familiar enough with The Tutorial that I don’t even have to link it) has been on the run for over a full year now, and he’s still alive, even with his completely useless rules. Like I said, this blog will probably save your life, because I’m going to be doing what he did. Only better. Yeah, I’m a cocky, arrogant bastard. Deal with it.

See, M was sort of thrust into this unexpectedly. I was thrust into it too, and I’ll admit that I didn’t really see it coming. But I was prepared anyway. I’m what some people would call “genre savvy.” I’m the sort of person who comes up with zombie survival plans for fun. I know how to survive a horror movie. I’m pretty sure that I can survive the Slender Man.

“But Jekyll!” I hear those of you who are dead say from beyond the grave. “We thought we could, too!” Yeah, you did. But guess what? You didn’t. You’ve all screwed up somehow. Whether it’s overconfidence or not accounting for other factors or thinking that you’re somehow special, everyone’s fucked up somehow. I’ve read your blogs. I’ve learned from your mistakes. And now you can all learn from mine.

Well…that’s assuming I make any.



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