Checking on Erin


I went and visited Erin alone today, while her boyfriend was busy, just to talk about things that she can’t exactly share with him and to gauge how she was doing.  She made sure her roommate was gone, her friends weren’t looking for her, etc.  I went over to her room, I knocked, she let me in, we sat down, and we just…talked.

“So how are you doing?”

She just gave a dry chuckle.  “Terrible.  I’m terrified, I’ve got a splitting headache, I feel half-sick all the time, I keep feeling like there’s…something inside of me that’s forcing me to doodle or film myself, like it’ll somehow relieve some form of stress.”

“But at least you seem fairly stable,” I told her.  “You’re coherent, and you’re not retreating inside yourself.  Have you lost any time yet?”

She pulled out her notebook.  “Yes and no.  I took notes like you’ve said, and even though I sometimes sort of ‘wake up’ and don’t understand how I got there, and then I check my notebook and see what I’ve been doing, and I started remembering things.  It’s like I’m only…half losing time, I guess?  Like I lose time but only temporarily, if that makes any sense.”

I nodded.  “Yeah, I understand what you’re saying.  It’s not good, obviously, but it could be worse.  I can’t get back the time I lose.”

“Jeez, H, how can…how can you mention that so casually? Look, I’m sorry for complaining.  I forget that you’ve been dealing with this longer than I have.  How long has it been again?”

I chuckled because, unlike you guys, she doesn’t know.  “A while, I guess.  It’s really not important.  I’m used to it by now.  I don’t need you worrying about me at the moment.  What I want to know is how you’re doing.  How often do you see him?”

“About…” she pauses, thinking “twice a week so far, I think.  That’s how often I see him.  I think I see him or think I feel him usually at least one a day, but I don’t know how much is real and how much is paranoia.”

“Probably about half and half at this point.  It’ll only get worse as you get used to it, but at least you’ll eventually figure out the difference between reality and paranoia.  I can see or feel him pretty consistently now.  For example, I can’t see him right now, but I know he’s in the building.”  She swore.  “Don’t worry, it’s why I left the door open.  He’s not going to attack if there are people nearby that can see and hear.  Probably.  It’s just doesn’t strike me as his style.”

“Doesn’t strike you as his style.  Thanks, Henry, that really reassures me.”

I grinned.  “Hey, I’m still alive, aren’t I?  So how are your classes going?”

“About the same as always,” she said.  “Better, almost.  Focusing on them gives me something to do.”

“You keep pretty busy, don’t you?  That’s good.”

She laughed.  “Busier than usual.  I’m always working on a project or homework or reading or watching a movie or show or hanging out with friends.  Jon’s started asking me if I ever relax.”

I smiled.  “And do you?”

I apparently hit a nerve, because she instantly got serious and hesitated with her answer.  “I…haven’t been sleeping well.  I lay down and my mind starts racing and I start to panic some, and when I do get to sleep, I keep waking up from the nightmares.”

I nodded.  “Yeah, I know how that goes.  You seem okay, though.”

“Yeah.  I get enough, but just barely.”

We talked a bit more, but it was mostly just chatting.  I let her know that she seems to be doing okay, although neither of us really have much context for that other than each other.

I really hope she is doing okay.



6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Aura
    Jan 19, 2012 @ 17:36:58

    It seems to be going fairly well so far. Just keep an eye on her; make sure she’s not trying to handle it all herself. As you said: it could be worse. But it’s not so that’s a good thing.

    Hang in there.


  2. The Gargoyle
    Jan 19, 2012 @ 18:22:21

    So support group is working out for the most part… that’s good. I can see the lack of sleep becoming problematic later on, but otherwise sounds like you’re in good shape.

    Hmm… don’t tunnel vision the problem too much though. I realize Erin is your focus, but make sure you’re keeping an eye on Other Guy too. Losing a link in the support chain would not be good for either of you.


  3. Elaine
    Jan 19, 2012 @ 20:44:37

    Oh, hey, you are capable of pulling the stick out of your ass and being a decent human being!
    That said, I’m glad things are going alright. Just hang in there. This is some twisted shit that’s going on, but for all your douchebaggery you seem to have a decent head on your shoulders.


    • jekyllinhyding
      Jan 19, 2012 @ 21:17:26

      Yeah, I’ve been doing far too much driving people away. Defense mechanism, I guess. Especially this time when, after my own personal mess-up, I refused to trust everyone, and after losing so many of the people I was close to before, I wanted to stay even further away. Guess it’s time to swallow my pride and ask for advice, huh? Especially since none of you can actually do anything to hurt me.



      • Elaine
        Jan 19, 2012 @ 21:43:38

        It’s about damn time, kid. Sounds like you need all the help you can get-and despite the amount of suspicion and hostility you’ve treated me (and everyone else, so far as I know), with, I really do just want to help people…

  4. whitelight
    Feb 11, 2012 @ 04:25:42

    i don’t know, i think he can attack whenever he wants. i don’t know if he cares if people are watching.

    anyways, i, whitelight, shall dub thee…//Phil Connors//.

    damn, i love that movie.


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